18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have....

I read this in the most recent issue of Men's Health magazine and came to the realization that I am not a grown man quite yet... Take a look see where you stack up

1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

--Safe to say I have not been in a fight in quite sometime, I am not sure if its my witty charm, or the fact that I am twice the size of the average d-bag in the bar...either way it works well for me.

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

--Does "Love like you have never been hurt, Sing like no one is listening, and Dance like no ones watching" count? Because that is my life motto...Not changing that.

3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.

--I have milk, OJ, Some Purple Stuff, and Pizza rolls, that along with condiments....I will not be aiming for a three course meal...I will be aiming to eat at her house.

4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.

--I have not played PlayStation in awhile...I am not a big gamer, I will play with others, but not alone. Drink, that's another story.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork, this magazine.

--My bottle opener not only opens beers, it also burps when I open, or says some witty saying, "Down the hatch," or "Here comes a blackout!"

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.

--My Lucky shirt says "Please tell your boobs to stop staring at me," Its a good ice breaker for the ladies.

7. An unstamped passport.

--Does going to Emerson count? (but seriously my passport has seen more stamps than a post office.)

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.

--I like this one, every year I usually go curling about once, and involves beer...but I always leave saying man, this is my ticket to the Olympics, and then for the next week I get real serious about it. Flash forward a week, I again realize that its Curling, and no one cares about it.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

--Only time I have cash is if I am going to Hub. If you get offended that I charge that .69 cent pack of gum, screw off, I get points. I only need 10,987 more till I can get a pair of cool Visa socks.

10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.

--So Long 'Dick Tracy'

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

--I like my beer cold, and cheap...I don't drink it for the taste I drink it for the bad decisions that come with it.

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.

--Wow, Totally fail this one...but hey, at least I got that going for me, which is nice....

13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."

--I have a futon, its a classy option for both a couch and a bed...And I know that Horp knows one girl who said "Take me on your futon," Then wouldn't leave for 3 hrs.

14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.

--I don't get this one, code seemed to work well for the underground railroad. "The wind blows from the South today": A warning to Underground Railroad workers that fugitive slaves were in the area. I use code words because I love America and I am not racist, the question is why don't you use codes?

15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.

--Jim, this applies directly to you...



16. A secret handshake.

--Blow it UP!, Park It!, The Rocket!

17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.

--Beer tastes better out of my 'House Cup,' Detroit Lake 4th of July 2007...Zorbas on the lake...

18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."

--So I said to the cop, "I was coming here to meet a guy, and I dropped this box of ammo...."